Saturday, December 15, 2007

What True Love is... (18+)



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Santa & Banta - Dumb and Dumber

Santa and Banta decided to rent a boat on a lake for their favorite sport fishing.

After fishing for 4 hours at various places around the lake with no luck at all they decided to try one more spot before calling it quits, Suddenly things started to happen, and they caught plenty of fish within twenty minutes.

Banta said, (Hey we should mark this spot, so next time we will know where to come) Santa says good idea, and he took out a can of spray paint and made a large X on the floor of the boat....to mark the spot.... Seeing that Banta shouted, why did you do that, now anyone who rents this boat will know where to fish!

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How Software Project Start

Programmer to Team Leader: "We can't do this proposed project. It will involve a major design change and no one in our team knows the design of this legacy system. And above that, nobody in our company knows the language in which this application has been written. So even if somebody wants to work on it, they can't. If you ask my personal opinion, the company should never take this type of project."

Team Leader to Project Manager: "This project will involve a design change. Currently, we don't have any staff who has experience in this type of work. Also, the language is unfamiliar to us, so we will have to arrange for some training if we take this project. In my personal opinion, we are not ready to take on a project of this nature."

Project Manager to Director: "This project involves a design change in the system and we don't have much experience in that area. Also, not many people in our company are appropriately trained for it. In my personal opinion, we might be able to do the project but we would need more time than usual to complete it."

Director to Vice President: "This project involves design re-engineering. We have some people who have worked in this area and others who know the implementation language. So they can train other people. In my personal opinion we should take this project, but with caution."

Vice President to CEO: "This project will demonstrate to the industry our capabilities in remodeling the design of a complete legacy system. We have all the necessary skills and people to execute this project successfully. Some people have already given in-house training in this area to other staff members. In my personal opinion, we should not let this project slip by us under any circumstances. "

CEO to Client: "This is the type of project in which our company specializes. We have executed many projects of the same nature for many large clients. Trust me when I say that we are the most competent firm in the industry for doing this kind of work. It is my personal opinion that we can execute this project successfully and well within the given time frame."


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The Raise

Maid asked for a pay raise, Madam was very upset about this and asked, 'Now Maria, why do you want an increase?'

Maria: Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase.

The first is that I iron better than you.

Madam: Who said you iron better than me?
Maria: The Master said so.
Madam: Oh.

Maria. The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.
Madam: Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?
Maria: 'The Master did.' Madam.

Maria: My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.
Madam (very angry now): Did the Master say so as well?

Maria: No Madam, the chauffeur did!


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Problems Like Animals (Joke)

Once a man went to a Veterinary Doctor and said

Doctor I have come on vacation for a month so that I can get myself treated fully within this period.

Doctor: I think you should go to the Doctor opposite to my clinic, see that board.

Man: No, Doctor, I have come to you only

Doctor: But, gentleman I am a Veterinary Doctor. I am an animal specialist. I do not treat human beings.

Man: I know, Doctor very well and that is why I have come to you only...

Doctor: I can not, because you speak like me, think like me, talk like me which means you are a human being and not an animal.

Man: I know I am a human but listen to my complaints first:

Doctor: OK. Tell me.

Man: I sleep like a dog thinking about my work load whole night.

I get up in the morning like a horse

I go to work running like a deer

I work all the day like a donkey

I run around for 11 months like a bull without any holiday.

I wag my tail in front of all my bosses

I play with my children like a monkey if I get time.

I am like a rabbit before my wife

Doctor: are you an engineer?

Man: Yes

Doctor: Instead of telling this long history you should have told me in the beginning itself that you are are an engineer. Come man, no one can treat you better than me.


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Stupid Or Not?

True Colors

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.

Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"

The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"


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Tried to Tell you

I tried to tell you I love you
but the words were hard to find.

I'm always thinking about you
you're the only one on my mind.

Oh why do I act so shy forever hiding my face
I should learn to laugh and not to cry put yourself in my place.

There were times I tried to kiss you but something told me no.
You wanted me to hold you but I

kept letting you go.
I'm afraid that I am not the guy

you've searched for all these years.
I will kindly leave now don't you cry

try to hold back your tears.
It's been so long I haven't seen you

for quite awhile
When I think of how we me met it only

brings back your smile.
I remember when I held you then and

told you we'd never part
I loved you then I love you now and

I'll hold you in my heart.

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Miscommunication

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, 'What are the grounds for your divorce?'

She replied, 'About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.'

'No,' he said, 'I mean what is the foundation of this case?'

'It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,' she responded.

'I mean,' he continued, 'What are your relations like?'

'I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents.'

He said, 'Do you have a real grudge?'

'No,' she replied, 'We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.'

'Please,' he tried again, 'is there any infidelity in your marriage?'

'Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.'

'Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?'

'Yes,' she responded, 'about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.'

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, 'Lady, why do you want a divorce?'

'Oh, I don't want a divorce,' she replied. 'I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!!'

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Good One on Men

Thought 1

When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from?
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

Thought 2

The average man's life consists of :
Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
Forty years of having his wife ask the same question;
and at the end, the mourners wondering too.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

Thought 3

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, 'If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.'
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, 'Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.' The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
The man asked. 'Who are you?'
'I am your guardian angel,' the voice answered.
'Oh, yeah?' the man asked 'And where the hell were you when I got married?'

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

This is the best!!!
Thought 4

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom.
They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand.
Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.
The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something.
So he announced 'Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life.' Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, 'My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me.'


The whole audience including priest started laughing.... ...... but not the poor groom!


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Time for Some Logic

Time for Some Logic

Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Donkey = eat + sleep

Therefore,

Human = Donkey + work + enjoy

If, Human - enjoy = Donkey + work !

In other words,

Human that don't enjoy = Donkey that work


************ ********* *****

Men = eat + sleep + earn money
Donkeys = eat + sleep

Therefore, Men = Donkeys + earn money

If Men - earn money = Donkeys


In other words,

Men that don't earn money = Donkeys

************ ********* *****

Women = eat + sleep + spend
Donkeys = eat + sleep

Therefore, Women = Donkeys + spend
If, Women - spend = Donkeys

In other words, Women that don't spend = Donkeys

************ ********* *****

So the Conclusion is:

Men earn money not to let women become Donkeys!

Women spend not to let men become Donkeys!

Award winning joke in London

Banta Singh walks into a bar in London and ordered 3-glasses of beer
and sits in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in
turn.

When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the
glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time."

Banta Singh replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
Dubai , the other in Canada and I ' m here in London .

When they left home, we promised that we ' ll drink this way to remember
the days when we drank together.


The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.

Banta Singh became a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He order 3-Beers and drinks them in turn.

One day, he came in and ordered only 2-Beers All the other regulars
notice and fall silent.


When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,"
I don ' t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere
condolences on your great loss. "

Banta Singh looked confused for a moment, then he laughs .... "Oh, no,"
he, said, "Everyone ' s fine - both my brothers are alive" .


" The only thing is
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I just quit drinking"!!!

Signing Off -dinotino®©-

A Good strory , Read it once

*Ant & Grasshopper*



The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The Grasshopper thinks the Ant is a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away.

Come winter, the Ant is warm and well fed. The Grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold. *

Modern Version*

The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The Grasshopper thinks the Ant ' s a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering Grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the Ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

*NDTV, BBC, CNN * show up to provide pictures of the shivering Grasshopper next to a video of the Ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

The World stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be that this poor Grasshopper allowed suffering so? *

Arundhati Roy ** *stages a demonstration in front of the Ant ' s house . *

Medha Patkar** *goes on a fast along with other Grasshoppers demanding that Grasshoppers be relocated to warmer climates during winter.*

Amnesty International and Koffi Annan *criticizes the Indian Government for not upholding the fundamental rights of the Grasshopper.

The *Internet* is flooded with online petitions seeking support to the Grasshopper (many promising Heaven and Everlasting Peace for prompt support as against the wrath of God for non-compliance) . *

Opposition MPs *stage a walkout. Left parties call for "Bharat Bandh" in West Bengal and Kerala demanding a Judicial Enquiry.

CPM in Kerala immediately passes a law preventing Ants from working hard in the heat so as to bring about equality of poverty among Ants and Grasshoppers. *

Lalu Prasad *allocates one free coach to Grasshoppers on all Indian Railway Trains, aptly named as the ' Grasshopper Rath ' .

Finally, the Judicial Committee drafts the ' *Prevention of Terrorism Against Grasshoppers Act ' *[POTAGA], with effect from the beginning of the winter.*

Arjun Singh *makes '*Special Reservation *' for Grasshoppers in Educational Institutions & in Government Services.

The Ant; fined for failing to comply with POTAGA and having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes; its home is confiscated by the Government and handed over to the Grasshopper in a ceremony covered by NDTV.

Arundhati Roy calls it ' *A Triumph of Justice* ' .

Lalu calls it '*Socialistic Justice *' .

CPM calls it the ' *Revolutionary Resurgence of the Downtrodden *'

Koffi Annan invites the Grasshopper to address the *UN General Assembly*. *

Many years later*

The Ant has since migrated to the US and set up a multi-billion dollar company in * Silicon Valley * .

100s of Grasshoppers still die of starvation despite reservation somewhere in India ...

because of loosing lot of hard working Ants and feeding the Grasshoppers, * India is still a developing country!!!*


Signing Off -dinotino®©-

The Romance Mathematics Guide!

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand
her at all.

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more
willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


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